Mann sieht sich zweimal im Leben

Someone told me this German saying, ad litteram translated into “people meet twice in life”, and I got to understand its two meanings – between “don’t burn your bridges” and “we’ll once meet again”. And, though the former is disputable, as some bridges are better left to arson, I thought more and more about the latter. And I so count on it, it’s the one and real hope I have – that the saying is true in this regard. And we’ll meet again, at least once in this lifetime, on a common ground.

After all the unsent memories, deranged dreams and answer devoid letters, I wish we could actually meet once more and I could tell you one thing alone. How sorry I am, how deeply I regret it all. No excuses, no justifications, no explanations. No other feeling unveiled. Just this. And, if I could gather the strength I might still have, I’d ask for your forgiveness. Es tut mir leid, bitte vergib mir.

Recent events brought me into a position where I could recognize myself as the only you I used to know. Somehow, I got to be that you far gone and all the outrage burst out for what I was about to do; and yet, I did it all – I made the same cursed choices that you had made before me. And all the devils sang my name as they had sung yours a long while back. No wonder the epilog was just a copycat. With the same burning sunset beyond the waves, the resemblance was not entire, but close enough to get the bitter taste of what you must have felt. I felt abused, and betrayed, and torn, and defeated – and there I had your mirror.

So I decide to trust the elders’ wisdom and I’ll wait until the day when you’re no longer a ghost of my past. Dear Lord, please let us meet again. And let there be forgiveness. Not friendship, not love, not compassion, not desire. Just forgiveness.

I was you, and let this not be our only rejoining. I need that last rendezvous with the real you – the one I knew and the one you have become whilst I got to be your sinful facet. I was you, Vee, and now I better understand. Therefore, I’m putting back the bricks to the bridges you burn and I really hope we do meet again.

Es tut mir leid. I am you, Vee. Bitte vergib mir. I can’t undo and I can’t un-be, just let me believe. Mann sieht sich zweimal im Leben, Vee.

(18 sep 2018)