A psychologist once told me one should lose themselves in the bond with others – the should provide those bonds, but keep themselves in a secure, untouchable place. With other, non academic words, a friend said a similar thing – don’t give yourself away, no matter how you want everything as a whole.
Every parting is a small death and tears down souls with all the strength of a loss. As a consequence, each beginning bears the burden of all the past failures, so it has all the chance to become a self-fulfilled prophecy – another failure, another loss, another death. The feeling of uselessness grows deeper and deeper in your conscience, a seed that spreads out the root of all evil. And you blame yourself for using the same old pattern, or for not sticking to it and trying new, unfamiliar ways, for giving too much or letting show too little, for being yourself in an overwhelming fashion, or for pretending to be someone you aren’t.
So I keep wondering – how do you give it all, but still keep a small fragment? How do you swim with the stream, but have your feet on solid ground? How do you take every chance, but remain resolute on the grounds you let no one to see, feel, or touch?
I know no such way. If I’m in, I’m all in – I can pretend I’m not for the comfort of my own lie or for not scarring off the other, but I’m in and when it’s over I hurt like hell. If I’m out, I’m all out – I can pretend I’m not out of duty or compassion, but all I do is prolong a tearing that may have even nastier effects. I can’t be in and still keep a safe ground – a protected haven – where to retire when things go south.
How do I do this? How do I get to preserve not only myself – for I don’t become someone else anyway – but also a ethereal space where nothing can hurt me? And, with that safely kept, still get involved with all the joys and sorrows a shared life brings?
And am I right to whish I achieved this? What good can come out when not all cards are on the table? No harm done, that’s true. But is it worth it? If I’m not all in, safe and unsafe – then why bother?
So how do I? And how do I not?
(03 mar 2019)