Death Wish

No matter how I try, no matter what I do, I can’t seem to shake it off. It lingers in a corner of my mind, misguiding dormant, waiting for an opening to strike. I see its face in every moment of sadness, in every thought of nothingness, in every lack of faith. It comes and goes, always promising to return. But even so, I’m never ready to receive it and slide by its claws. Where does it end?

I try hard not to think and feel and care, but thinking and feeling and caring is almost everything I do. I know no different. I keep myself busy, I act, I do this and that, but it’s nothing more than running from the truth. I fool myself into believing I’m fine; but I’m not. One second of pause and I’m buried again into that desire of killing it all. Where does it end?

The air is too thick to breathe. I walk through the tears and I can’t see beyond the veil of bitterness. Empty shell I used to call life. Deserted place where once love roamed. Forgotten words, suffocated dreams. And all I ask is to leave them all behind, start fresh in a different note. I so wish I could do that – detach, forget, let go. Who wants to be haunted by the same anguish and remorse, over and over and over again? Who wants to see one sole closure, a disgraceful exit from this charade called life? Where does it end?

I push it away, but it slinks back when I’m not looking. I sense its touch in every little thing I do. I don’t follow its call, not yet anyway, but I know its there, in the shadow, unable to fully hide. A tear in every smile, a touch of grief in every joy, a shade of futile in every adrenaline rush. No strong will turns it to shreds, no ardent prayer breaks its curse. Where does it end?

Don’t want it, but I mourn just to have it in black. Don’t need it, but I crave for it. Don’t call it, but I’m scared I’d yield when I least expect it. Don’t cherish it, bit I feel like an altar to its madness. I’m ashamed. I’m to blame. I’m weak and hopeless. I lost my balance and I’m afraid that, from the depths of desperation, I’ll turn to it as the last resort to restore some sick equilibrium. Where does it end?

God, I don’t remember to have asked more intensely that You would take this death wish from me. Please, I can’t deal with it now, deliver it from me to some cage to tame it down. And, please, give me strength to pray for this again and again, each time it escapes. And grant me wisdom to see it before it’s too late. Where does it end, Holy Father, where does it end?

(10 mar 2018)