When you say farewell to beloved friends, knowing there’ll be a while ‘till you see them again if ever, you cry – it’s natural, and missing them already is reason enough. When go through acute and intense physical pain – like a blow, a punch or a heavy fall, you cry – it’s as natural as the hurt itself. When someone meaningful to you dies, you cry with all your heart and mind – it’s natural in this terrible loss. When someone crosses you that badly that you lose your temper next to trembling, you may cry – natural tears out of spite. When you go through a heartbreak, you may cry for a while – it’s natural to have such an emotional bandage over this tiny death. So all those tears have a reason, both as a cause and as a remedy for something, since their effect is in the end soothing and the overwhelming pressure is being released.
What then about the tears that come up at any given – and most inappropriate times – out of nothing at the first glance? You stare at the display and feel your eyes drowning. You walk down the street, with no particular story in mind, and here they arise again. You rest after an exhausting training and you barely find the strength to keep them down. You read a book and they insinuate peevishly. There’s no pattern. And no apparent – that is, logical – reason.
You manage now to keep them back from the first sign. Although a good weeping is healthy in reasonable conditions, with these purposeless tears that’s the wrong approach. You know because you’ve already tried; if usually crying brings peace and reconciliation, in this case it never stops and makes you cry – actually, makes you want to cry – harder. Tears that bring more tears, not appeasement.
So you hold them in and try to remember what the books say: get to the bottom of the emotions that cause these tears. Find out what they are trying to say. Acknowledge them without giving in to them. Welcome them without letting yourself dominated. Easy said… next to impossible done. They tell you nothing, they just linger by like a bad omen. You ask them what their business is, but they look aside silently, as if the empty space around you had any meaning. You try to analyze them, with the risk of getting to close and be swallowed, just that no resolution is reached between random regrets and “what-if” laments.
You cry out of fear? Fear is irrational. What are you so scared of?
You cry out of confusion? Doubts are pointless. What are your choices?
You cry out of inner torment? Such torments are ridiculous, pathetic and dangerous. What’s wrong with you? Wake up!
Tears with no reason, tears with no purpose. The tears that should not be. And still, they come.
(07 mar 2019)